Daily Archives: December 12, 2011
Little known Black History Fact:
Some families have a special routine that they follow each Christmas when friends and family come over. It’s called “put your stuff up before ____ comes over here, or else ____ is gonna either break all your stuff or steal it.”
Ah, what a time honored tradition in my family. So one year I had the bright idea to put all of the good (and expensive) new toys in a black trash bag along with all of the discarded wrapping paper and boxes. Just to throw em off my trail, I left the crappy toys out under the tree and put the bags over by the door.
It was a mighty plan and it worked. The clepto-friends stayed for an hour or two and then left and nobody was the wiser. They left around eleven, I fell asleep and woke up the next day ready to play with my toys.
Then out in the alley there arose such a clatter.
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash
Saw what was going on and let out a WTF gasp!
There were some kids in my neighborhood who we all pretty much knew were just biding their time until they each went to prison. Well these little hellions were notorious for playing in the dumpster in the alley next to my house. I woke up to the sound of one of them yelling, Hey I just found a bag full of Transformers!
Apparently my grandfather wasn’t in on the trash bag charade and he threw both bags away.
I can’t describe what came over me as I watched them pull my toys out of that bag one by one. Normally those little bastards scared the hell out of me because it was so many of them and they would occasionally chase me home, but not on December 26th 1988! Oh no, that day I was goddamned He-Man. I don’t remember getting dressed, I don’t remember going downstairs, hell, I don’t even remember picking up the mop handle that I ran outside waving around like it was my Moses staff.
What I do remember is looking the big one dead in the eyes like Dae-Dae from Friday After Next, I’ll die for this shit. We had our little moment from the Michael Jackson Bad video where we stared each other down for a while. I didn’t budge. Five minutes later, the standoff was over and I went back in the house with a trash bag full of toys.
My grandfather: Why are you bringing that bag of trash in the house?