I’m Going Down
One day I’ll sire a son and when he’s old enough he’ll come to me and ask about women. What makes them tick? How do you impress one of them. I’ll tell him this story.
Many years ago I went to an amusement park with a bunch of friends from school. Like most guys, I didn’t have my heart set on a particular girl. Any one of the cute ones would have done. I was ready to be brave when it came time for the roller coaster and herculean when it came time to win a prize, and I was especially ready to be a typical man and enjoy their water park attire. What I was not prepared for was to be asked to get in the water myself.
It’s been documented several times that I don’t mess with water. In my eyes a wave pool carries the same destructive potential as Hurricane Katrina, but when you’re a man you make stupid decisions whenever women are involved. On this particular occasion three of the finest of the fine wanted to get on a water slide.
Note: I still suffer from some of the trauma of this experience so I may be slightly off in my description of the slide.
It was a massive beast that ascended the heavens one hundred stories into the air. You had to walk up a staircase of broken glass to get to it and you went through a series of turns at breakneck speed which culminated with a free fall of about 25 feet into an alligator-filled lagoon.
Okay I’m lying. There were no alligators. So anyway, we went up and the whole time I’m writing out my will in my head. I eyed that the red slide in the corner seemed to be the slowest and safest one of the four so when it came time I’d just go down that one. Naturally we get to the top and one of these heifers gets scared and asks if we can switch. Being stupid I said, duh okay.
It started off fine. Nice and slow ride. Not bad for my first time on a slide. I kept my feet crossed and head back. Things were going well. It was one of those enclosed slides that looks more like a giant pipe. Well inside this pipe there were places along the way where streams of water would pour down from the top. I went under one such stream. Maybe that’s normal, but for someone who has never been on a damn slide before it felt like I was being waterboarded. I instinctively sat up but the pipe wasn’t made to be sat up in so I hit my damn head on the top of it. Then came another stream of waterboarding.
I’m choking, chlorinated water is in my eyes so I can’t see and I’m disoriented from banging my head. Al Qaeda was winning. My vision finally clears in time for me to see this bright ass light. The noonday sun! Apparently I’d reached the end of the interrogation tunnel, and was now blinded from looking directly up at the sun after being in a dark place. I tried to look down at my feet to get an idea of how close I was to the end of the slide. I was partially blind and concussed by this point so all I could make out was something blue.
Is that water?
That’s when the slide disappeared from underneath me and I was flung into a free fall into the pool of water below. Son of a (choking on water)! I start kicking and trying to get to the surface. It isn’t working. I’m trying to float on my back, but I keep going under. I’m trying to right myself, but I’m still hazy from the tunnel of love. I see a lifeguard in my view. Help! I can’t swim! I see her rushing over but not jumping in. Help goddammit! She’s yelling out to me but I can’t hear her b/c I’m under water. I’m ready to give up and drown but I start thinking about to the heifer that got me in this situation. I can’t die without cursing her out first. Help! And that’s when I finally piece together what the lifeguard was saying.
That’s an odd thing to say to someone drowning.
The water isn’t deep. Stand up.
What the hell is she talking about? Wait is that the ground? I stop fighting and realize that my butt is touching the bottom of the pool. I stand up and the water is at my knees. I look over and see the two girls staring at me like I’m special.
So son, the moral of this story is be yourself. Don’t try to impress women, because you’ll always fail at it. Oh, and find a woman who can’t swim.