Daily Archives: February 23, 2012
I’m sitting on a bench sharing a slice of pizza with my daughter the other day when the guy sitting next to me decides that now is the perfect time to light up a cigarette.
Here we go again.
DC is the most non kid-friendly places on Earth. Learning to adapt gives you a set of superhuman skills. I feel like the Terminator when I go out. There’s a scene in the movie where they cut to his vision and the audience gets to see what he sees. It’s a red computer screen that’s constantly analyzing the environment. That’s me.
From a hundred feet away I notice the three people taking up the whole sidewalk and refusing to move over even though they see us coming. I’m factoring in their body shape and size to determine how much force it’ll take to mow them over with the stroller. I’m looking at the person walking up the street in La-La Land while carrying grocery bags full of jars that would hurt my daughter’s legs if they swung into her while passing. I see the woman with worn out heels walking with a cup of Starbucks. She’s a huge threat so I scan the path ahead of her to see if there’s a dip, rock or broken piece of concrete that she could possibly trip over and spill scalding hot coffee on my child.
This place is so bad, I even find myself looking up at the trees for impending doom. Even the trees will kill you in DC. We were waiting for a light to change one day when I heard this loud pop. I darted across the street and knocked some woman over trying to get out of the way. I looked back and this huge tree limb had fallen just where we were standing.
If the trees and the people don’t kill you, the cars will. To date I’ve had near death encounters with FedEx trucks, Metrobuses, distracted drivers and people with road rage. It takes a sick person to rev up their engine and speed towards a guy pushing a stroller across the street, but it happens at least once a month. This is a city where people kill each other for ugly tennis shoes. Imagine what they’ll do if they’re running late for something.