Daily Archives: July 9, 2012
It took me about five minutes to toast the potato bread, to cut up the onions and tomatoes and to spread the mayo, brown mustard and pinch of oregano on top of my $11/lb ham and my $8/lb mild cheddar cheese. The ratio of ham to cheese was a steady 3:1. I even sliced it in half and made it pretty on the plate.
Then all of a sudden a random vulture soared from the floor, violently landing in front of me and perching itself on the edge of the table where I was eating. It lifted the bread, licked the mayo off the cheese before throwing the cheese to the floor. Then it grabbed two slices of ham off my sandwich and put the bread back on top.
It stood there staring at me defiantly as it ate my ham slowly and meticulously as if my bewildered mouth-wide-open stare meant “enjoy yourself.” When the vulture was done and the ham was gone it had the nerve to pick its sippy cup up off the floor, shake it in front of me and say “Wa-ter, Wa-ter, Wa-ter!” Then grabbed my hand, led me to the fridge, opened it and pointed at the water pitcher before handing me the sippy cup.
So in the words of her apparent mentor:
So yeah, my birthday was Friday as well. I didn’t really bother writing about myself, because the infidels in my inner circle seem to only focus on “the child” who also shares my birthday. We had a great time. My daughter turned two. Enough about her. lol I turned thirty and I could think of no better way to celebrate it than to spend it with my wife, daughter and go visit one of my oldest friends who lives in Philly.
I think the whole “City of Brotherly Love” thing is more of a self-help daily affirmation or maybe a bucket list goal that someone came up with. I have never seen so many angry people in my life. I took a poll in my head and after crunching the data, I’d say that 92.5% of the people I saw were having a bad day. Once I was able to get around that, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. My friend played Tour Guide Barbie, so we saw all of the sights and I got to finally run the “Rocky Steps” which has been a goal of mine since I was a little kid.
The next day we went to New York. Somehow my wife managed to be the only human being on the East Coast who has never been to NYC. We gave her a quick 4 hour tour of the city by car. We went across the Brooklyn Bridge and grabbed a slice of pizza. Then we went to Junior’s Restaurant for a slice of cheesecake.
sidebar: Best damned cheesecake I’ve ever had in my entire life. When I die, throw some in the coffin with me. I see why Puffy sent Da Band to go get some.
After that we headed to the Financial District in Manhattan so that I could take a picture with the Charging Bull. Maybe giving a burnt offering to the bull will give me better luck in the market this year. We rode past the new WTC tower and then headed to Central Park. I squealed like a little girl when I looked over and realized that we were stuck in traffic in front of “Spook Central” from Ghostbusters (my #2 favorite movie of all time). I took about a thousand pictures of that and then made our way through Times Square.
The whole trip culminated at Sylvia’s in Harlem where I had the best macaroni and cheese on Earth. I have no doubt that it was served at The Last Supper. We turned around, went back to Philly to drop Tour Guide Barbie off at her house and then went back home.
Great time, great birthday and now I have the whole house to myself while the wife and little one are out. I’m about to lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling and enjoy complete silence. Also, I’ll enjoy the security and peace of mind that comes in knowing the child is not in the house so you can lay on the floor and not worry about being impaled with a toy golf club, leaped on from the ottoman or smothered to death by a Pillow Pet.