Daily Archives: July 27, 2012
It’s getting harder and harder to go a full week without a gap in posts. I urge you guys to send complaints to the person in charge of programming:
4228 Wisconsin Ave NW
Washington, DC 20016
Some of you may have met her. If you’ve been in Giant, Safeway, Wheaton Mall, The Smithsonian or Wholefoods and you heard a child screaming at the top of their lungs and saw a handsome chocolatey short guy pushing a stroller with a twinkle of hope in his eye slowly fading away then that was her. She says Hi!
I’ve heard about terrible twos but goddamn. This girl has literally changed overnight. I wrote a post a long time ago about her having a meltdown in Nordstrom and me being confronted by the expectations of black and white individuals to pull a pot of soil out of the diaper bag, plant a tree, wait for it to grow, grab a switch from it and then beat the hell out of her. The black ones were cheering me on like the background people on the Streetfighter II game. The white ones had child protective services on speed dial. All were disappointed, because I used my Sesame Street voice to feign concern for her temper tantrum. Well that’s become an everyday occurrence now.
Me: You want an apple? Here you go!
Her: F@#% you son of a b$&# I’ll kill you!!!
Surprisingly, she’s still alive. I’m trying to give these parenting books the benefit of the doubt. She has my wife to thank for that. It’s only because I had to live with the warlock that my wife became during pregnancy that I’m able to tolerate my daughter during these trying times. Back then I’d just draw a pentacle on the floor, encircle it with some candles and sit in the middle to protect myself from her. I got a lot of reading done in those circles and the parenting books would tell me that my wife was hormonal and unable to control her desire for blood sacrifices. Maybe the same is going on with my daughter.
She’s freaking out for no reason because the hormones of her growth spurt are screwing up her wiring. Beating her with a tree trunk would only jostle that wiring even more. And if you think I’m wrong or have some science to prove that it’s not hormones then just keep that to yourself. If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching Batman it’s this: Sometimes people deserve better than the truth. They deserve to have their faith rewarded. I’m the Daddy that she needs right now, but not the one that she deserves. I’m a silent partner, a watchful guardian…a Dark Knight.