I went to North Carolina over the weekend for some much needed R&R. No baby, no midnight beatings and unexplainable bruises appearing on my body. Just a man, his thoughts and a hotel bed that I was scared to sleep in (more on that later).
Durham, I owe you an apology. When I lived down there I used to say that it was a great place to go to die. By die, I mean natural death like old age, not to be confused with getting killed, which seems to be DC’s claim to fame. Durham is quiet, serene and full of friendly people who smile, hold doors and are quick to let the other car go first at a stop sign. Being a young person from DC, I couldn’t really appreciate it back then. I still can’t see myself living there before I start collecting social security, but it was exactly what I needed for a stress-free weekend.
The air smelled like the perfect blend of nitrogen, oxygen, argon and carbon dioxide. Almost immediately I noticed the absence of Homeless Person Essence #4, Potomac River vapor and Metrorail Sidewalk Grate steam. The water, oh God, the water. I haven’t had nonflammable water in so long. People always compliment my smile and I tell them that it’s because of DC water. It has the perfect blend of chlorine, lead and Anacostia River Extract to burn off tartar, plaque and the gum disease gingivitis.
Everything wasn’t perfect though. I was on a budget so I picked a hotel that used to be nice when I was in college. AOL Keywords: used to be. I flopped down on the bed and the mattress stood up in protest. Apparently the frame was loose or something, so I got down on the floor to investigate and locked eyes with the Trojan Man. It was still in the wrapper, so I left it there with the intent on taking it to the lost and found once I found some hazmat gloves. Things just went downhill from there, but let’s just say I turned the A/C off and slept in my clothes with no blanket, sheet or anything else provided by the hotel. Now I know why they charged (not authorized…charged!) the room up front and had a no refund policy.
The rest of the trip was great though. It’s a good weekend when it feels like you’ve been gone for 4-5 days. Of course DC welcomed me back with open arms this morning. I got cut off by a cyclist who thinks his bike has a force field around it and an off duty cop gave me the finger when he tried to get over without signaling and I blew the horn so he wouldn’t side swipe me.
Welcome home. (Deep inhale) Is that Eau De Mumbo Sauce in the air?